Just keep swimming...

I'm sorry it's been a while… someone asked me on my birthday last week if I felt any older… I thought about it for a few minutes… no I didn’t feel any older but instead I feel older then I should. My heart and soul has journeyed paths that people three times my age haven’t even begun. All the first are horrible… first Easter, first memorial day parade, first birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Death is essential but it is simply terrible. It’s not if we will die but when, sooner or later we’ll all have to stare it in the face. I can't imagine how people make it through the loss of someone without the Lord. I have fully reached stage 4 of grief – depression, reflection and loneliness. I still have the shock stage left in me… Sometimes I'm simply blown away by how Ricky can't be here with me… but it's more sadness now then anything else. I'm focused on the daily tasks at hand which help the time pass and keeps me busy. I guess that’s a good word for it… I've become "busy" to help pass the time. A couple of months ago I started swimming when I got home from work. After measuring out the pool and figuring it up that it takes 147 laps to make a mile. I've worked all summer on getting up to swimming a mile each day. It takes about 1.5 hours to complete it… It's so quiet under the water. It's really the only time I can hear my thoughts clearly. Swimming helps me get past some of the day.