Cancer did not take her... the Lord took her...

I love life. There… I feel better just getting that out. I don’t feel like I’ve been “dealt a bad hand” but instead life is just hard sometimes. I also want to make clear that this blog is in no way, shape or form a “pity party”… I only want to share my true heart and there’s gonna be a bunch of honesty left on this page because I believe there’s healing in the truth. I don’t wish or hope my trials on anyone… everyone runs their own race and has their own ups and downs, I’m just trying to explain my heart a little so that if there is someone out there that could learn or grow from what I’ve learned or how I’ve grown then I know I’ve done what God has called us to do. Love.

My heart feels bear… naked if you will. I’m not talking about my physical heart although I can physically feel my nonphysical heart more then my physical one. My rib cage has been pried opened and I’m super cautious cause it feels as though anyone or anything can reach in and mess with it. I’m about to share what has been and is my journey. There are times where I’ll be very simple in the details of days that I’ve left behind but I’m sure that once I get into this I’ll be going back to certain days to explain in depth the details of each event. I’ll let you know when I’m in rewind mode to cut down on the confusion.

In 13 months I lost the most important people in my life. My mother, who chose to let go and move to Heaven and my husband, who went to Heaven without letting us know he was leaving.

My life has been shattered and I’m praying the Lord helps me find some of the pieces so I can finish my journey until I move to Heaven. My mom shared with me many times about the way her mom, Granny Grace, died. Mom was changing a light bulb for her in the living room of her home. Granny walked passed her on the ladder and just fell completely backwards and was gone. I remember my mom telling me about the last breath she took. She knew she died before she hit the floor because she sighed a great sigh, letting everything that was within her go. That stuck with me… I never understood the depth of what that great sigh really meant until February 7th, 2010. The day that we all stood around my mom’s bed at the Hospice House watching her last breath, it was a great sigh. Her life was finally over. Though she only lived for 63 years Heaven was more real then her earthly life and she was so excited to move there and begin that new life the Lord had waiting for her. Five years earlier in April, my mom went to the emergency room where she got the report of cancer… ovarian cancer. She had surgery and began chemo immediately after. She knew from the start that she would fight. That she would kick ovarian cancer in the… well… she was going to beat it. She did. She was so close to death when she had her debulking surgery that we weren’t sure if we’d even see her alive after the surgery. I remember sitting and waiting… and waiting… and waiting… finally the doctor came to tell us the news… there was cancer everywhere but he felt confident that he got the majority and had faith that chemo would take care of what was left. I can vividly remember riding in the elevator with her. I stood next to her bed she was barely awake… at the time it was the scariest moment of my life. My mom was everything to our family and I simply couldn’t imagine her not being here with us. I did the whole prayer to God… “I’ll take care of my mom if you let her live… please let her live Lord.” He did. She lived and I did take care of her. My mom was the mom that held a wet washcloth on our forehead while we vomited up crackers and 7up that she gave us to keep her sick babies hydrated as the bugs and flus journeyed their way through our bodies. She’d roll the TV into the room, took us to the doctor appointments, checked our temperature and changed our sheets while we took baths. She was all over it. She was mom. I can remember the first time that I felt like the mom in our relationship. She was ill from the side effects of chemo… I was standing at the stove fixing her chicken noodle soup and straining the broth because it’s all she could stomach. I knew then that I was going to be the physical mom in our relationship… no one could take her spiritual mom-ness away even in her sickest moments she was still the one you went to for advice. She still knew if something was bothering you even if you tried to hide it and she still covered each of us in prayer and always kissed us goodnight. She still was my momma even though I took on the roll of taking care of her. She had ups and downs… she was healthy for a few months then sick again for another few months. This went on for the 5 years. She continued chemo treatments and still fought it everyday.

My mom told us that incase she passed away that she wanted it to be made known that CANCER DID NOT TAKE HER LIFE! THE LORD CAME AND GOT HER AND THAT’S WHY SHE’S IN HEAVEN. Is that clear? Good. She would never give cancer any glory nor say that she made it to Heaven because of cancer… it may have worn her body down but that is not what she died from. One month before my mom passed away she asked each of us individually to stop praying for healing… she knew that her ultimate healing was now in Heaven and that is where she wanted to go to be with the Lord. I did not handle this well. As soon as I left her front porch I begin the great fight between my heart, the Lord and me. How could this have happened… how could we just give up now after 5 years of fighting!? I was not going to have this… It took every second of the 25-minute ride home to get calm enough to walk into our house and share the news with Ricky. I screamed, yelled, pointed my finger and said many things I shouldn’t have at God until my throat was soar and crackled when I spoke. It took a couple of days for me to stop praying harder then I ever did and mind what my mother asked of me. To this day the Lord is still working on that part of my heart… the famous how to let go and let God moment. Trust me, you’ll run into that if you haven’t already.

Two weeks before my mom passed away Ricky and I were visiting her. We had moved her bed into the living room so she didn’t have to climb the stairs anymore. Ricky told my mom that tomorrow I was coming to spend the night with her. Ricky and I had only been married a few months… I looked over at him surprised and I said… “I am? I am.” That Sunday night I packed one change of clothes and my toothbrush and made my way to mom’s house. I stayed awake right by her side for the next 13 nights with her until she got her ultimate healing… she danced her way straight into the arms of the Lord. I believe now that Ricky knew it was close… closer then I thought it was and he was so beyond patient with me. It wasn’t easy to be away from him for two weeks in our brand new marriage but as I stood by my mom’s side, he stood by mine.

Later I’ll get into the details of how gracefully my mother helped us grieve the loss of her before she was even gone and how we experienced her entrance to Heaven and soon I’ll share our love story, the great sadness of losing Ricky and I’ll open my heart to where I am today.