My heart has been in need of some healing and I have quietly waited for it, and by quietly I mean the Lord and I haven’t really been on speaking terms. Well, before that comes across as something bad or wrong I want to make it clear that He knows I love Him and I know He loves me. There are all kinds of walks in our life were we don’t understand what God is up to, but He is and will always be my Father. I won’t ever be able to sneak away from Him and He won’t ever leave me. Just like our earthly relationships… sometimes we love unconditionally and sometimes we don’t say a word to each other… it doesn’t change our hearts in any way, shape or form. It’s just a matter of timing when it will all shift again. Normally when the Lord speaks, shares, confronts or corrects me it comes in the form of that still small voice in my heart, yes, you know the one I’m talking about, the one we tend to ignore. It’s more of a knowing voice then a booming HEY YOU… LISTEN TO ME kind of voice.
Standing on the ocean’s shore waiting for the sun to rise one morning the Lord spoke in my heart and revealed to me how grief is similar to the ocean that He created. I was knee deep it the cool waters of the Atlantic’s coast with the moon shining bright. To the left the sun greeted the sky. A new day was dawning. The moon brings in the tide and when the sun outshines the moon the tide recedes. When relating this to grief the dark parts of your life where there is minimal light the tide of grief comes rushing in, but when the sun, or the Lord’s face outshines the dark the tide takes off running back out to sea. It was only a matter of moments the sun was sitting above the water and the tide that reached the top of my knees was now three feet away from me. The ocean is larger then the solid ground we stand on. It comes in waves. It can be both forceful and calming. There is a great undertow that could easily pull you away. It’s loud and can be heard miles away. Its sandy shores go everywhere with you… even when you try and wash it off.
There is no due date nor expiration to the stages of grief. Order is out of the question and time is nonexistent while grieving. There are moments where you will be completely fine and others that leave you beside yourself. There is no warning of when a wave will come or when the tide will recede. For me it is just best to go along with the flow. You’re only hope of survival is swimming away from the rocks and wait for the Lord to come rescue you.
I don’t know who created the stages of grief but I would like to say that they are spot on. I don’t necessarily believe that you walk them through in the order as follows but as far as each step along the way they are correct in my experience.
I have a great mixture of stage 2, 3, 4 and sometimes 1.
These stages were taken from www.recover-from-grief.com.
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
I wanted to let you know that I did learn something from this post. I was always told that it was the five stages of grief. I even read about it in my mother's nursing books and magazines when I was twelve. It's an important subject to teach in nursing and medical school, and that was all that was said about the subject.
ReplyDelete1 Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
No elaboration or further insight was given to me.
Many people know that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and I think in terms of black & white, all or nothing, from one extreme to the other. I think in terms of schedules, routines, numbers, order, you get the picture. When I'm challenged with a gray area, because you and I live in the real world and we know there are a lot of gray areas, it can leave me with a turmoil of emotions, thoughts, and ideas. I HATE gray areas. They're not fair and they're certainly not clear. But here is one that elaborates, that gives further insight and knowledge into the subject. I can learn from it, and there are not many gray areas I've been able to learn from, because I cannot process them.
Nobody EVER mentioned that there was hope and healing, rebuilding, re-equipping or adjusting. It was DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE, just big black bold letters staring me in the face. It was filling in your own definition, but there was nothing about the ability to move on, nothing.
Here's what I can tell you about my life experiences. The phrase, "Someday you will look back and laugh" is the most true statement I've ever seen put into action, and mostly into my own life, but I'd like to add something to that.
There was a time when I was dying, in a literal and very physical sense. I prayed for death because of the pain in my body and the madness from malnutrition, and the insanity of still getting out of bed and listening to the call of my OCD and trying to give Doug as much of a normal life as possible. He would get ready for work. I would get out of bed, pack his lunch, see him out the door, then lay in bed and cry. I would go clean my house, then lay in bed and cry some more. Despite the fact that I was dying, I would get up and shower everyday and clean the house because my priorities were completely out of order.
My brother's birthday that year was on a Monday. Here I was trying to be a good sister, and I had cake and chips for his birthday that Wednesday, February 27th, 2002. He was going to get home from work and come over (he lived next door) about eight o'clock. I was laying on the couch, hadn't eaten in days, and I knew at that very moment, I sat up, and I said, "Doug, I'm dying. Call my mom." So he did. He was a wreck. He picked up the phone and I heard my mother yelling, so Doug told me she wanted to talk to me. I reluctantly took the phone. "I called to say goodbye," I told her, barely able to speak. Instead of comforting me, she yelled at me and told me I wasn't going to die and that I needed to get up and stop doing this for attention. (She lives in Delaware. She had no idea what I went through because she didn't see me every single day.) So after that talk, I suddenly felt like her anger gave me the push I needed to get up. So I got up off the couch, dizziness washing over me as I stood, and proceeded with the party. I had a slice of cake and a handful of cool ranch Doritos, and I knew I was going to be okay.
My point is that as hard as that was for me, I cherish those memories so much. They remind me what God has brought me from, they make me laugh, especially my ridiculous prayers for death, and they show me how good God is.
I never found out what was wrong with me, but I found out what needed to be right.
I love you, Amanda, and you're still in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for teaching me something new today.